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Thoughts on Losing an Unborn Child

in Do What You Love, Rants

Note: This is a post from Adam Baker, founder of Man Vs. Debt.

Around a month ago, I gleefully announced that Courtney and I were pregnant.

When we first found out, we were extremely cautious with sharing our good news. We waited until 12 weeks to tell our family (a long time for us) – just to be sure the most risky times had passed.

And we waited even longer – until we confirmed a heart beat at 14 weeks – to share it publicly in this medium and others.

You see, we knew the odds of a miscarriage after the first trimester were extremely low. We knew that after hearing a healthy heart beat they were even tinier.

But the odds are never zero.

No matter how many precautions you take – or how long you wait – there is always risk.

*****

A little over a week ago, Courtney and I lost the baby at 19 weeks gestation.

Afterwards, due to the circumstances and the amount of blood loss, our doctor in the emergency room suggested putting Courtney “under” to perform surgery.

It was a safe surgery – one out of precaution more than anything – but that didn’t lessen the seriousness of it for me.

I knew anytime you go “under” for surgery there is a tiny risk – and I wasn’t particularly interested in playing with odds any more on this particular day.

Courtney awoke safe and sound 45 minutes later.

That night, we sat on the curb and watched a parade.

*****

The days that followed were interesting (still are).

At first, I felt almost nothing. I was in crisis-mode, I guess.

“This is just another event in life.”

“If there is anyone who can handle this, it’s Courtney.”

“What’s the next action I need to take… who do I need to call… what do I need to cancel… what should we do in the next hour…”

In fact, I was surprised at how little it affected me. I felt guilty for not feeling worse.

It was 4 or 5 days later when it finally hit me… I loved this child.

I never met my son while he was alive, but I loved him nonetheless.

I loved the hopes and dreams we were forming. I loved the idea of our family expanding. I loved everything that this new chapter in our life represented.

Staring at a fetus in an emergency room sink, it’s tough to identify feelings of any kind. But days later, I finally identified what I was feeling…

I was feeling love.

*****

Afterward, I tried to ask myself what my thoughts were on the process. I kept coming back to this…

We are unbelievably and undeniably blessed.

My first words to Courtney were “Let’s be thankful this happened to us – and not someone else. We can handle this. We have lots of options. Other people may not be as fortunate as we are.”

I’m not sure where those words came from. I realize they may sound arrogant – or unemotional – or like a coping mechanism. But that’s what I truly felt in the moment.

I felt blessed.

Blessed to be married to such a strong woman. Blessed to have so many options. Blessed to have so much support.

More recently, grief has crowded out most other emotions. It’s been much harder to have a positive outlook. Though, underneath it all - blessed still reigns supreme.

*****

This also taught me the power of true friendship.

In the past, I always thought that true friends were built over decades. That you’d need to know the intimate details of their childhood, spend lots of time together, and be able to name off every person they’ve ever dated. I have friends like this – and I’m thankful for them.

On that Saturday morning, I had hundreds of people I knew that had come together in Portland for an amazing conference. Many of them I consider close and fantastic friends.

Sitting in the emergency room, Courtney and I realized we could call any number of dozens of people who’d immediately drop what they were doing and rush to come help us. It was an amazing feeling at that point in time.

When it came time to make the call… I called Grant.

I met Grant only a little over a year ago, we’ve talked face-to-face less than a half dozen times, and I have almost no knowledge of his childhood or anyone he’s dated outside his amazing wife.

Despite all that, I knew he’d be there. I knew we wouldn’t have to worry about Milligan. I knew I could talk to him. And I knew that he’d understand.

As it turns out, true friendships don’t care about the list of requirements we think they need to exist.

*****

Lastly, going through this process has reaffirmed by commitment to flexibility in life – both mentally and physically.

We can’t predict what will happen next. We can’t know what unbelievable opportunities will appear – or what heartbreaks wait for us on Saturday mornings.

But we can adapt.

We can build our lives and our attitudes around flexibility.

Flexibility allows us to savor and enjoy the highs – and bounce back stronger from the lows.

Without flexibility… we’re trapped.

We’re trapped in our lives and we’re trapped in our minds. There’s no room to breathe… there’s no room to adapt… there’s no room to recover.

I felt a lot of emotions over the last couple of days… but I’ve never once felt trapped.

And for that – I’m extremely thankful.

*****

When I first realized that I’d have to blog about this event (having obviously announced the pregnancy), it frustrated me.

But then it hit me… once again… that I’m blessed.

I’m blessed to have a community of thousands of people on similar life journeys. I’m blessed to be able to share, learn, and grow publicly.

I’m blessed to have an outlet to mold and share important thoughts and experiences I have – even if that means the occasional teary-eyed post now and then.

Thanks, gang.

xoxoxo

-Baker

{ 305 comments… read them below or add one }

Jim June 14, 2011 at 7:44 AM

Thank you for this post. As always your family is an inspiration for others. So sorry this happened, but you have taken a dark time and created light for others with this message. Words- your words are so important. Keep writing, and thank you again.

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Catrien June 14, 2011 at 8:01 AM

What a beautiful post. Actually, that’s not exactly the right thing to write. How beautiful that you can experience this “earthquake” in your lives this way. Thanks so much for teaching us what you have learned. I wish you both the continued experience of love, even during heartbreaking times.

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Amy Volk June 14, 2011 at 8:04 AM

I’m so sorry. My prayers for you and Courtney. Amazing insight already…may peace abound in your life.

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Judy Kuhn June 14, 2011 at 8:54 AM

Adam, Courtney & Milli,
I am so sorry for your loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I can not imagine lossing a child. May you find peace.
Adam’s distance cousin, Judy

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Margaret Johnston June 14, 2011 at 9:11 AM

Good Bless you and your family.

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Dean Saliba June 14, 2011 at 9:19 AM

That is tragic news. I know exactly how you and your wife are feeling and it does get easier in time.

Me and my girlfriend lost our child about four months ago and I took it very badly. I took it far worse than she did, I think that might have been because this would have been my first child whilst my girl has had three from a previous relationship.

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Mary Ann Clifford June 14, 2011 at 9:35 AM

Baker, I was so sad to read your news this morning. I am so sorry for your loss, there is nothing I can say or compare it to, but I want you to know I care. I’ve been reading your site for about a year, and it’s kind of wierd but feel like a friend. So please tell Courtney to take care of herself, first and formost, and you be good to her and yourself!

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Trinity June 14, 2011 at 9:43 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post was very moving and well I don’t really have the words to explain but it helped me. We had been trying to get pregnant for 6 years after a test finally found out I had blocked tubes. The test cleared them and I had gotten pregnant immediatly oh the joy we felt. Then his father past suddenly and I miscarried (I had actually miscarried before I knew I was pregnant so all the time I thought I was I wasn’t anymore). It was aweful and now a year and a half later nothing even after 8 rounds of fertility drugs. I always wonder and I always pray for another miracle. Your post has helped my heart and I thank you for sharing. You are an amazing family and I am so glad I found your blog.

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Lori June 14, 2011 at 10:16 AM

So sorry to hear of your loss. Many prayers for your family.

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Kate June 14, 2011 at 10:30 AM

Hi Baker. I follow your blog but have never commented before. I’m a parent, and I was heartbroken to see this post. I’m so sorry for your, Courtney’s and Milligan’s loss.

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Jessica June 14, 2011 at 10:52 AM

What a beautiful message. I am so very sorry for your family and I hope that you take the time to heal in the way you need to. I just subscribed to your blog yesterday after reading HerLife magazine (don’t know if you know you were featured) and I’m looking forward to hearing more from you. Strange way to start but I am happy to be following, you are a very inspirational family.

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Rebecca June 14, 2011 at 10:55 AM

For me sometimes it helps to know that you are not the only one out there in the world that has suffered the loss of a child. I have too and while I was not currently married to my husband at the time we made it somehow as will you. We now have a very beautiful 2 year old daughter. You will probably go through all of the grieving stages maybe not all at once and will probably go back to feeling sad, then anger etc. Everyone grieves in their own way.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss.

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Cindy June 14, 2011 at 11:12 AM

I’m so sorry to hear about your family’s loss.

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Katybee June 14, 2011 at 11:19 AM

Dear Baker and Family – so sorry for you loss, I will keep you in my prayers. Stay strong.

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Jessika June 14, 2011 at 11:31 AM

I’m so so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my heart and prayers. This was a very brave and honest post, despite how difficult it must have been for you to write.
Thank you as always for sharing. ♥

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Blanca June 14, 2011 at 12:01 PM

Your message made my cry, it broke my heart to read about seeing your unborn child… I believe children choose their parents and do so to teach us life lessons, even unborn children. This child, for the short time he was here, touched your life profoundly and in doing so will always remain in your heart. Your Angel Baby is now watching over your family. May God bless you and your family.

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Jared Dees June 14, 2011 at 12:04 PM

Man it takes a lot of courage to share that here, Baker. Thank you for the affirmation of life during such a difficult time. We’ll be praying for you and your son.

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Tara@Riceandbeanslife June 14, 2011 at 12:19 PM

I’m so sorry for this loss your family has endured. Our family has been through several of these losses and it’s heartbreaking. Your post was poignant and touching and your thoughts about the process, the experience and about friendship really touched me. Wishing your family peace for the days ahead with this difficult experience.

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ElleX June 14, 2011 at 12:56 PM

My condolences to you and Courtney.

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Rockledge June 14, 2011 at 1:06 PM

I don’t have words to adequately express my feelings or to console you. You have shown great strength in supporting your wife and in posting this. Stay strong, hold tight to all you love, and when you cry, cry deeply. I am so sorry for your loss.

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Jeffrey Mitchell June 14, 2011 at 1:23 PM

Baker,

Sabrina and I are sorry to hear the sad news. Keep smiling and producing great content; your family is an inspiration for young professionals like myself. We wish you the best of luck moving forward and many blessings.

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MomEinstein June 14, 2011 at 2:05 PM

I was in tears when I read this post. I am so so sorry for your loss. I will keep you, Courtney & Milligan in my thoughts. I am wishing you strength.

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Lindy Mint June 14, 2011 at 2:41 PM

Beautiful words. A member of my family recently went through this, and it is so hard. Thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts. Your life and Courtney’s will be enriched for it.

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Betsy @ BMoore Healthy June 14, 2011 at 2:46 PM

Wow, so beautifully written. I am so sorry for your loss. I have also experienced a miscarriage and just shared my story on my blog. Many blessings to you and your family!

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Maureen June 14, 2011 at 2:59 PM

I’m very sorry for your loss and will pray that you and your family will find peace and healing.

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Mark Powers June 14, 2011 at 3:07 PM

I am so sorry to hear this, Baker. My best friend and his wife went through a similar loss last year, although earlier along in the pregnancy. They had a serious struggle because, as you had mentioned, they were already loving, and attached to, their child. My thoughts are with you, Courtney and Milligan.

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Maria Hibbard June 14, 2011 at 3:10 PM

So sorry for your loss… Our family has also gone through this. Lifting your family up in prayer….

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Anne O June 14, 2011 at 3:17 PM

Baker, your strong wife has a strong husband, and your daughter has strong parents, together in faith and love, you will grow even closer as a family as time goes on, because of this experience and the way you shared your so personal story. You touched my heart, and inspired to remember that we all get through together by grace and love. You and your family will be in our prayers.

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Sarah June 14, 2011 at 4:34 PM

Thank you for your honesty. That was an amazing post and I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Even so, what an incredible position you’ve taken on the whole thing. To feel blessed in a time of such sorrow… Know that for all the people who have posted there are hundreds who have read your post and said a prayer without leaving a message.

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Gail June 14, 2011 at 4:50 PM

I too, having lost our triplets at 22 weeks, am heartbroken for you. Like you, though, I feel incredibly blessed that I got to be their mom, if even for the few minutes we had them with us. My prayers are with your family.

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Jared June 14, 2011 at 5:24 PM

OMG buddy. What can I say?

I’m going to send you some music – it’s great therapy. However, I really think you’ve reframed it perfectly and glad to see that you seem to be dealing with it like a champ!

*J

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The Travel Chica June 14, 2011 at 5:27 PM

Very brave of you to share so much about your personal lives and going through something so difficult. I am sure this is helpful to others who have gone through something difficult as well.

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Faith June 14, 2011 at 5:40 PM

Baker and family, For that past few montyears I’ve read your website and received support in my journey to be debt free. In your time of need, please know that my love is being extended to you and your family.My condolences on your love ,
with warm regards, Faith

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Faith June 14, 2011 at 5:54 PM

Sorry for all the typos. Here’s what I meant to say. Please remove previous post:
Baker and family, For the past few years I’ve read your website and received support in my journey to be debt free. In your time of need, please know that my love is being extended to you and your family.My condolences on your loss ,
with warm regards, Faith

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Crunchygeek June 14, 2011 at 6:07 PM

Baker: as one who has lost a child before, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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Zac June 14, 2011 at 6:30 PM

Baker,

I know exactly how you feel. My wife and I lost our unborn child almost a year and a half ago. It was a very hard time for us, and I think about that baby everyday. Luckily, God blessed us with Lily. She is almost 5 months now and she is AMAZING! Time will heal. Glad to hear the Ren Men are there for you.

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Eric June 14, 2011 at 7:14 PM

Thank you for sharing. I cry with you, but it IS a blessing that you three had to endure this than someone else. May God Bless You and Yours!

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Jen June 14, 2011 at 8:06 PM

Baker, what a beautiful message you have given us during this time of pain. My heart goes out to you and Courtney.

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Dahby June 14, 2011 at 8:10 PM

So sorry to hear about your loss, but thank you for sharing your story.

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Kim June 14, 2011 at 8:23 PM

I am so very sorry for your loss.

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Czeske June 14, 2011 at 8:55 PM

Baker,

Thank you for sharing–I am so very sorry for your heartbreak and loss. Holding both you and Courtney close in my thoughts and prayers and hoping for a brighter tomorrow–one step at a time–for both of you.
Big (((HUGGS)))…

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Carole Baker June 14, 2011 at 9:05 PM

I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you. There are simply no words other than to tell you I’m saying a prayer for you and your family right this moment. God Bless You.

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Aaron June 14, 2011 at 9:13 PM

Baker,

Couldn’t help but comment on hearing the news. Thanks for sharing this. My prayers of comfort go out to you and your family, during such a difficult time. But most of all, thanks for sharing the message of hope. Despite such circumstances, it’s a breath of fresh air to see how strong your family bonds are and your ability to see the importance of friendship and family.

Don’t lose heart!

Aaron

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Robin Potter June 14, 2011 at 9:42 PM

Baker & Courtney, we are very sorry to hear about your loss, but please rest assure that God has given wings to a precious child that we all will see when the time comes for us to go home. We will continue to keep you and your family in our prayers.

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Nathan June 14, 2011 at 10:27 PM

Mate, I am so sorry to hear your story. My wife and I are unfortunately all too familiar with your situation, she having suffered through several miscarriages. We have two amazing daughters right now, and while you’ll never, ever forget either feeling, the elation or the loss…well, I just dedicated my time to the family I have without forgetting what we’ve lost.

I appreciate the dedication to your website. My wife and I have managed to tear through $20k in debt (mostly from the surgeries as a result of the miscarriages) in a little over 2 years and I refer to your site regularly for hints and tips for success. Our next goal is to buy a house and pay that within 7 years and also pay off my wife’s student loans.

My condolences to you and your family and you will remain in our thoughts and our prayers.

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SB(One Cent At A Time) June 14, 2011 at 10:45 PM

Extremely sorry to hear this. God bless you

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Kay Lynn June 14, 2011 at 11:11 PM

Your gratitude in the face of such sorrow is humbling. Thank you for being so open and sharing. Your family is in my prayers.

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Jessica June 14, 2011 at 11:14 PM

Baker –
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time. Thank you for being stunning examples of courage, optimism, and gratitude. All the best to you as you heal.

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Nathalie Lussier June 15, 2011 at 12:02 AM

Baker, I just wanted to send more hugs, good thoughts, and blessings to you and your family. You shared yourself so openly with us, and put your trust in the Universe, so we’re here to support you all the way.

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Stephanie June 15, 2011 at 12:44 AM

Adam & Courtney – I am so sorry.

Thinking of you and your brave family…

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Lindsay Wyglendowski June 15, 2011 at 10:50 AM

If I knew where to send a card, I would. Know we are thinking of you and Courtney and Milli as you continue to hurt and heal. The end result has to be love because that’s all that can make it okay. After reading your post, I’m even more glad we got to meet your family in Arizona, Adam.

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Karl Staib - Party Biz Connect June 15, 2011 at 1:17 PM

I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing an unborn child must be very difficult. My prayers are with you and your family.

You did a wonderful job of describing your pain. I could feel how hard it was, but writing it out must have been cathartic at the same time. Your writing has really improved since you first started this blog.

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elaine June 15, 2011 at 1:39 PM

I am profoundly sorry for you. No parent wants to outlive a child, period. It’s not how things are supposed to go. But one thing I’ve learned — both from losing my father at an early age and from my daughter losing hers when she was a young girl — is this: heartache can be softened over time but the emotional chaos of living through the event can be devestating. Thank you for being emotionally open to yourself, to live, and for sharing with us. I hope your community here (us!) can help you and your famiy mend gently.

Meanwhile, I can’t help but think of life insurance. If you know love, know a life insurance agent from a great, strong company. Let me know if you need a referral. I’ve lost two important men in my life who did not have it and the resulting financial hardship was significant and unrelenting.

Hugs to you all. xxxx

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elaine June 15, 2011 at 1:41 PM

…correction: should read “Thank you for being emotionally open to yourself, to LIFE, and…”

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matt June 15, 2011 at 1:53 PM

This was a superb post. Thoughtful and powerful.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

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Steph June 15, 2011 at 4:10 PM

So very sorry to hear about your loss.

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Larissa June 15, 2011 at 4:29 PM

I am very sorry for your loss. I could tell when you announced it that this would be (and was) a much-loved child. Blessings to you and your family.

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Adam Stanecki June 16, 2011 at 3:36 AM

Baker,
My wife and I lost a bub very early in a pregnancy and it left me feeling empty for a long time. We hadn’t gotten to scans or heartbeats by that point so it felt surreal to “lose” what we didn’t “have”.
In time I started to feel less empty and resolved that it must have happened for a reason (although I’ll never know what the reason was).
Now, we have had our second child and we are very happy.
Sometimes things happen that we can’t possibly understand but we have to keep moving forward.
Thank you for sharing and much love to you and your family.
Sincerely, Adam.

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Michaela June 16, 2011 at 8:24 AM

I’m very sorry for your loss. Sometimes life throws cruel tests upon us. It appears even crueler when you realize that each test always turns out to have contributed to a greater good. Don’t give up, stay on track and move forward.

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Joanne June 16, 2011 at 8:54 AM

Hi. Thank you for sharing. Last fall I had the same experience only it went a bit deeper; I am just recovering from a hysterectomy so my one and only attempt at having a family of my own has washed away. On the plus side, I am open to adoption and when the time is right I will proceed. In the meantime I cherish what Gia gave me in her short time with me.
I know I need to do something with the experience and am in the process of creating a way to help others. Nothing can prepare you for this experience.
Love and light to you both

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Lori June 16, 2011 at 2:33 PM

Thanks for this. We lost our second just 4 weeks ago. It helps to hear how others cope with their loss.

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Pamela Slim June 16, 2011 at 5:13 PM

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for your loss! My heart goes out to you and Courtney and to that precious baby. Some life experiences are so hard!

I know you both are strong. I am so glad you have each other.

Sending love and hugs.

-Pam

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Dawn M June 16, 2011 at 6:18 PM

Dear Baker and Courtney,We are so sorry for your loss. I hope you both will be feeling better soon. It was kind of you to share your loss with your readers. I will pray for a speedy recovery and hope that time heals your broken hearts.Stay strong and love each other through this difficult time.

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Rick June 16, 2011 at 9:28 PM

My heart sunk down through the floor when the title of this post came across on my phone. It must have taken incredible strength to dig so deep, immediately face and analyze such potent emotions, and then lay it all out there in such a powerful and inspiring story. I’m so sorry for your loss, but we too feel blessed to be a part of your life journey; in all the ups and downs you continue to teach, touch, and share in ways most don’t dare. Stay strong Baker family.

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Kaye June 17, 2011 at 11:19 AM

Baker,
First of all, I am so sorry for your and your family’s loss. I will pray for you all.

Secondly, I know you weren’t really “going for” a great blog post here, but this is one of the most powerful and inspiring posts I have ever read. The strength with which you are handling this is moving. The rationale you are able to maintain in the midst of emotional turmoil is amazing. You and your family are obviously in a healthy place and I am grateful that you are dealing so well.

May God continue to bless you and your family.

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Shy Taggart June 18, 2011 at 11:17 AM

I came accross your article today I was only looking into getting some advice on blogging and am completely inspired by your post. My husband and I also recently experienced a loss and are still grieving but also blessed. Thank you for sharing your feelings through your process. It gave me hope.

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Nicole June 18, 2011 at 9:30 PM

Oh man, I’m so sorry. Miscarriage is horrible. I don’t think the pain ever goes away, but it does become more bearable with time. I’m so sorry.

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Allison @ House of Hepworths June 18, 2011 at 9:40 PM

Baker,
I’m SO sorry for your huge loss. Your post got me choked up, and I don’t even really know you. You are such an inspiration to so many people. And you are right, we are all here for you.

{{HUGS}}

Allison

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Gwyn Michael June 19, 2011 at 9:14 AM

LOVE and Blessings.

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Debbie June 19, 2011 at 3:10 PM

So sorry for you and your wife and daughter for your recent loss. I will say a prayer for you. I enjoy your writings and like following what is happening, thank you for what you do.

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Annie Onymous June 19, 2011 at 10:55 PM

I wanted to say to you that I understand. While my story does not involve losing a child it does involve somthing so similarly painful. My story was a rape. I too felt just so blessed after I got over the shock and hurt. It doesn’t sound cocky or rude to me that you too felt blessed that it had happened to you. I was so grateful that it had happened to me instead of someone that it could have ruined for life. I’m happily married now and I don’t think of it often but this post made me remember the feeling that I was so glad to take that burden if it meant saving someone else statistically from the same sad event. I’m very proud of you for posting that feeling on here. It made me feel like I’m not alone. That there are other people out there who will take hardships in stride and be glad that it happened to us, and we can handle it and make it through.

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Debbie June 20, 2011 at 2:37 PM

So, so sorry for your loss. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Best wishes to your family.

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Sandra J June 20, 2011 at 3:08 PM

I’m am so sorry to hear of the loss of this little spirit. Your realization that you loved this child was so touching – and so true. We lost a grandchild to stillbirth – and we still love and miss her. May God bless and keep you and your family.

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Mutant Supermodel June 21, 2011 at 1:37 PM

I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to your family. I honestly have no words because they always escape me in times like this. I can’t imagine what it’s like. You are blessed, you’re right.

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Carole June 21, 2011 at 3:51 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I don’t know you or your wife, but I feel deeply for you. Reading your blog about this was difficult – a life lost is always painful. I appreciate that you wrote it, and did so in such a profound way.

I wish you both peace.

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Andrea June 22, 2011 at 11:31 AM

I am so sorry for your family’s loss.

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Jacob Sokol June 22, 2011 at 8:36 PM

Damn dude. I had no idea. You guys handled it like menches.

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Jessica June 24, 2011 at 12:48 PM

I’m so sorry for your loss. You, Courtney and Milligan are in my prayers.

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Faun June 25, 2011 at 12:12 PM

I’m new here but I felt moved to reply. I’m sorry to hear of your great loss. Your message today is so powerful; you are wise beyond your years. I am sadden to think that I wasted so many of my young years wallowing in inflexibility. But an old dog can learn some new tricks. Thanks for sharing….God bless you and your family as you journey through life.

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Simone June 26, 2011 at 10:29 PM

We’ve been there and I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying for your family, and for physical and emotional healing for your wife. Sending love from our family to yours.

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Annie Andre June 28, 2011 at 12:14 PM

Baker,
After i read this post about the loss of your unborn child, i felt a llitle ashamed at how angry i was at life for my own miss-carriage. Your words ” Be thankful that this happened to us and not to someone else who could not handle this” inspires me to be a better person and to try to be more thankful instead of angry and hateful.

thanks and give your wife Courtney.my best..
Annie xoxoxxo

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Tuttie June 28, 2011 at 7:51 PM

I needed to read this as I am still recovering from miscarrying twins., my response was similar to yours so much that I secretly didn’t share my feelings with the world because I felt that I would be judged as callous and cold. It took hearing about another persons miscarriage for me to burst into uncontrollable tears. My story is slightly complicated because I was bleeding with pain for close to 3 months but the blood tests came back negative for pregnancy. I felt pregnant and after the 3rd blood test when it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant the 4th test confirmed I was miscarrying. I had miscarried in the first trimester but instead of miscarrying one child I miscarried two. One after the other.

I have gotten things from friends like, “if you didn’t know you had it, did you really lose anything?” YES, YES I DID DAMMIT. I am trying to get a hold of the situation still and my heart goes out to your family.

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Jason June 28, 2011 at 7:58 PM

What a wise outlook Adam, thank you for summing up your lessons from such a difficult event so eloquently. Wish you the best!

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Violeta June 29, 2011 at 12:01 AM

I am very sorry for your loss but I have faith that you, Courtney and Milligan can overcome the grief and pain you will be feeling, perhaps forever, but hopefully less and less every day. My thoughts and best wishes are with all of you.

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ib July 4, 2011 at 10:25 AM

I’m sorry for your loss. It is not easy and I appreciate that you have shared it with all of us. Many of us (us included) have lost a child through miscarriage. We’ve chosen not to tell anyone about our loss, as we had not told anyone that we were expecting. We lost ours at 12 weeks and I had a D&C, but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks.

The choice not to tell anyone seemed right at the time, although now I sometime still question it. Some of our friends have been going through the same thing and because we have never told anyone about our loss, I still can’t bring myself to bring it up now. I think I chose to bury it deep so I wouldn’t have to think about it.

Every pregnancy is a blessing and I hope you able to move one and try again (if that is what you want). I found that trying again quickly helped with the grieving process.

The one we lost was our 1st, and since then we have 2 more children and as a recent surprise expecting another child. I still think of the one we lost, especially with each pregnancy. I think once you go through a miscarriage you will hold your breath throughout subsequent pregnancy until the actual birth.

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Amy July 6, 2011 at 10:54 PM

My heart goes out to you guys. This is something we’ve been through a few times, though never that far along. Much love and healing to you both and thank you for the inspirational and heart-felt words you share with us.

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Jackie Walters July 7, 2011 at 2:27 PM

Baker,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My prayers are with you and Courtney and Milligan.

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Jake F in Brisbane July 8, 2011 at 8:53 PM

Baker, thank you for baring your heart and your life so openly. I’ve never been though anything like that, but you described it so powerfully. God bless you guys!

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Jeff @ Before You Invest July 8, 2011 at 9:09 PM

Baker,

I’m really heartbroken to hear the news. You have such an incredible outlook on this, much better than I would ever have, that you truly are blessed.

In times like these its great to know what wonderful friends you have and I hope you know that in whatever small way we all can help that we are here for you as well.

Stay strong and god bless you and your family.

Jeff

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Catie July 11, 2011 at 6:46 PM

I’m so terribly sorry to hear your news. I am keeping your family in my thoughts and hope you are all doing well.

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Loz James July 12, 2011 at 5:35 AM

Hi Baker

I found your blog this morning while listening to the Smart Passive Income podcast with Pat Flynn and Corbett Barr – they mentioned how great your site is so I thought I’d come and have a look.

I must say this post has floored me and has made me very emotional. Although I don’t know you and I’ve only just found your blog, I must say you’ve got a lot of guts buddy and sharing this with your audience is brave and inspiring. I wish you and your family all the best in life – and I want you to know that this complete stranger from over the pond stands with you shoulder to shoulder :-)

Cheers from the UK and keep up the great, inspirational writing!

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Danielle July 12, 2011 at 10:39 PM

It took courage to share this tragedy with us. Thanks for being so brave. Having had a similar experience myself, my heart is grieving for you. That little baby will always be a part of your lives. Bless you.

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Super Frugalette July 14, 2011 at 12:42 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post and view is one of the most beautiful points of view regarding this situation that I have heard in a long time. Thank you!

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Cynthia July 14, 2011 at 8:10 AM

So sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Thankful that your wife is physically well afterwards. Praying for your hearts to heal.

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karen July 15, 2011 at 10:59 PM

I catch up on your blog in waves, so I’m just now reading this. I’m very sorry to hear this happened to your family.

This truly was an amazing post, it moved me to tears. Recently, a crisis happened in my life and I’m experiencing a total life change. One minute at 3:14 pm on a Friday this past June, my life was one way and at 3:15 pm it was completely and totally different. I’ve learned a lot about myself, hope and all of the people in my life. Some of the things you mention touched on exact things I’ve been feeling or thinking about. Wishing you the best… stay strong.

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Jeff Atkins July 15, 2011 at 11:22 PM

Guys I am so sorry to hear this news… I have been very busy lately and haven’t stayed in the loop… Sorry I missed you when you were in town.. Just know that I (and others) miss your smiles and playing games while Milli runs around in the background.

stay strong and know you are loved

Jeff

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Kim July 20, 2011 at 11:16 PM

Who knows why these things happen except that we are “here” and not in heaven. I have three beautiful children so my heart goes out to you and I hope that time will bring healing to your family. I’m sure this post has touched many and know that we go through things in this life which in turn qualifies us to reach out to others and comfort them in a significant way. Lastly, there is a time for everything including grief it doesn’t mean you aren’t strong in fact on the other side of it you will find you are stronger for having gone through it and if you are a believer than you will find God is big enough for your pain and He has a plan to use it for good.

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Hannah Wilcox July 23, 2011 at 9:49 PM

Wow, what an inspiring and thoughtful blog. I am happy that “blessed” is the word you found in that difficult time (and the process that follows) My husband and I, too, had a miscarriage earlier this year. I also like the quote (though I do not know the author) “You cannot direct the wind, but you CAN adjust your sails.” In April, we found out that we were pregnant again (due in January of 2011). I feel that you cannot live in fear about what may or may not happen in pregnancy. You just have to keep on keeping on. God bless you and I pray that you and Courtney will have a wonderful pregnancy and birth in the future.

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Michelle August 11, 2011 at 12:40 AM

I’m so sorry for your loss.

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Katie Payne August 18, 2011 at 7:53 PM

We lost a pregnancy in February. It was only 7 weeks, but we had told everyone and had started buying things. 6 months later it still hurts and yet I know it was meant to be. Please know that you are not alone.

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Yayson Potter August 22, 2011 at 9:46 AM

So sorry for your loss. We lost a pregnancy shortly after telling our family and the day before our wedding anniversary. My Wife got pregnant again shortly but that time we were pretty guarded at letting people know and were constantly worried something would happen. Nothing did during the pregnancy and we now have a happy 10 month old boy.

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Denese Bottrell August 23, 2011 at 2:34 PM

Adam, thank you for sharing this experience. Once again you’ve given us an example of how to live with an open heart…with flexibility, acceptance of reality, non-attachment to outcome and seeing the gift and lesson in all we face. Bless your heart for being you and all you do (Courtney’s too).

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Roger August 25, 2011 at 3:57 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that no words I, or anyone else, can say could ever hope to make this better. Just know that there are those out there, even among those of us who have never had the opportunity to meet you and simply admire you from afar, who care for you, and hope that you continue to do well. Godspeed.

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Anna August 26, 2011 at 2:29 PM

I’m so sorry for your loss. :(

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Rosie January 3, 2012 at 4:13 PM

I just read this, and wanted to tell you and Courtney that I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m sending good wishes to you and your family, and hoping that with time the painful memories are fewer than the memories of love, and feeling blessed and supported.

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