Note: This is a post from Adam Baker, founder of Man Vs. Debt.
Around a month ago, I gleefully announced that Courtney and I were pregnant.
When we first found out, we were extremely cautious with sharing our good news. We waited until 12 weeks to tell our family (a long time for us) – just to be sure the most risky times had passed.
And we waited even longer – until we confirmed a heart beat at 14 weeks – to share it publicly in this medium and others.
You see, we knew the odds of a miscarriage after the first trimester were extremely low. We knew that after hearing a healthy heart beat they were even tinier.
But the odds are never zero.
No matter how many precautions you take – or how long you wait – there is always risk.
A little over a week ago, Courtney and I lost the baby at 19 weeks gestation.
Afterwards, due to the circumstances and the amount of blood loss, our doctor in the emergency room suggested putting Courtney “under” to perform surgery.
It was a safe surgery – one out of precaution more than anything – but that didn’t lessen the seriousness of it for me.
I knew anytime you go “under” for surgery there is a tiny risk – and I wasn’t particularly interested in playing with odds any more on this particular day.
Courtney awoke safe and sound 45 minutes later.
That night, we sat on the curb and watched a parade.
The days that followed were interesting (still are).
At first, I felt almost nothing. I was in crisis-mode, I guess.
“This is just another event in life.”
“If there is anyone who can handle this, it’s Courtney.”
“What’s the next action I need to take… who do I need to call… what do I need to cancel… what should we do in the next hour…”
In fact, I was surprised at how little it affected me. I felt guilty for not feeling worse.
It was 4 or 5 days later when it finally hit me… I loved this child.
I never met my son while he was alive, but I loved him nonetheless.
I loved the hopes and dreams we were forming. I loved the idea of our family expanding. I loved everything that this new chapter in our life represented.
Staring at a fetus in an emergency room sink, it’s tough to identify feelings of any kind. But days later, I finally identified what I was feeling…
I was feeling love.
Afterward, I tried to ask myself what my thoughts were on the process. I kept coming back to this…
We are unbelievably and undeniably blessed.
My first words to Courtney were “Let’s be thankful this happened to us – and not someone else. We can handle this. We have lots of options. Other people may not be as fortunate as we are.”
I’m not sure where those words came from. I realize they may sound arrogant – or unemotional – or like a coping mechanism. But that’s what I truly felt in the moment.
I felt blessed.
Blessed to be married to such a strong woman. Blessed to have so many options. Blessed to have so much support.
More recently, grief has crowded out most other emotions. It’s been much harder to have a positive outlook. Though, underneath it all – blessed still reigns supreme.
This also taught me the power of true friendship.
In the past, I always thought that true friends were built over decades. That you’d need to know the intimate details of their childhood, spend lots of time together, and be able to name off every person they’ve ever dated. I have friends like this – and I’m thankful for them.
On that Saturday morning, I had hundreds of people I knew that had come together in Portland for an amazing conference. Many of them I consider close and fantastic friends.
Sitting in the emergency room, Courtney and I realized we could call any number of dozens of people who’d immediately drop what they were doing and rush to come help us. It was an amazing feeling at that point in time.
When it came time to make the call… I called Grant.
I met Grant only a little over a year ago, we’ve talked face-to-face less than a half dozen times, and I have almost no knowledge of his childhood or anyone he’s dated outside his amazing wife.
Despite all that, I knew he’d be there. I knew we wouldn’t have to worry about Milligan. I knew I could talk to him. And I knew that he’d understand.
As it turns out, true friendships don’t care about the list of requirements we think they need to exist.
Lastly, going through this process has reaffirmed by commitment to flexibility in life – both mentally and physically.
We can’t predict what will happen next. We can’t know what unbelievable opportunities will appear – or what heartbreaks wait for us on Saturday mornings.
But we can adapt.
We can build our lives and our attitudes around flexibility.
Flexibility allows us to savor and enjoy the highs – and bounce back stronger from the lows.
Without flexibility… we’re trapped.
We’re trapped in our lives and we’re trapped in our minds. There’s no room to breathe… there’s no room to adapt… there’s no room to recover.
I felt a lot of emotions over the last couple of days… but I’ve never once felt trapped.
And for that – I’m extremely thankful.
When I first realized that I’d have to blog about this event (having obviously announced the pregnancy), it frustrated me.
But then it hit me… once again… that I’m blessed.
I’m blessed to have a community of thousands of people on similar life journeys. I’m blessed to be able to share, learn, and grow publicly.
I’m blessed to have an outlet to mold and share important thoughts and experiences I have – even if that means the occasional teary-eyed post now and then.
310 thoughts on “Thoughts on Losing an Unborn Child”
That Saturday and weekend in general is one I’ll never forget. For all of the awful feelings I felt for your family, I was beyond impressed by the way you handled it. I think its interesting how you said, you were thankful it happened to you and not someone else – because you guys are two of the strongest people I know, and if you can handle that, there isn’t much you cant do.
So sorry for your loss, but I know there are amazing things to come for you guys.
Wow Baker. That is an amazing post. Brilliantly realized, from the heart, and it shows how much you care about your community to share the lesson you’ve learned from something so tough and personal.
My family has been through this a few times so I can only imagine how you feel right now. I will send some good thoughts your way guys.
Amazing post. My families thoughts are with you. Me and my wife are planning to start our first family very soon, this is something that has wondered into the back of my mind from time to time.
Thank you for sharing this post and what you’ve learned.
So sorry for your loss. Eight years ago last month, my wife and I lost twins. We weren’t trying to get pregnant but not preventing. We didn’t even know she was pregnant. We found out she was pregnant, that it was twins, and that she had had a mis-carriage all in the span of a couple days. Then the surgery was a few days later.
I know exactly how you feel. I thought we would just try again so it wasn’t a big deal but still to this day I wonder what it would have been like to have had those twins.
We now have three beautiful girls and are blessed.
Wishing you the best.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. You have such a great attitude about such a sad event. You outlook on life is amazing. That was a really powerful post to remember how fortunate we are despite the rough time we go through in our lives.
I am so sorry for your loss, but this is a very inspiring post. It is sad, but sometimes it takes an event in our lives to notice how blessed we are. Thank you writing this post, you have reminded me that I am blessed beyond measures. You have helped me put my life (financial and personal) into perspective and put steps in place to change it for the better. I will definitely keep your family in my prayers. Continue doing what you are doing, because I am sure you are inspiring to others as well. Thank you for all that you do.
Although I don’t know you I really like reading your blog and I was so sorry to hear about your loss…don’t be afraid to grieve…thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Baker + Courtney (and little M too)- I’m so sorry for your loss.
Grieving has it’s own unpredictable schedule. Being flexible will serve you well.
Those are great thoughts, I’m glad you put those into a post. We also went through miscarriages, two before my son was born. It is tough, really tough. I also know what you mean about your feelings and the period when you feel guilty. The toughest part was I couldn’t be there for my wife either time, she had to face alone. I’m not sure my wife was as strong without me there. I regret that.
God bless you guys.
Hi Adam–I think I’ve only ever commented twice before, but I had to say I’m sending so much good energy to your family, and I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. The way that you found blessings in such a devastating event is a true inspiration and testament to your amazing character.
Your family will be in my prayers.
Baker and Courtney, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s a hard thing to lose an unborn baby, having had close family and friends lose little ones as well. We’ve been praying for you since we heard.
Your story reminds me of a book I read recently called “Heaven Is For Real”. One thing in the book that stuck out for me was the mother’s journey through grief over the loss of an unborn child. While the mother had obviously never met the child, she also felt a strong love for the child, and felt a great loss for quite a long time. Despite conventional wisdom, it is possible to have that bond and love for a child even without ever having met them.
In the book the couple’s other child almost dies, and ends up visiting what they call “heaven” before being resuscitated. The child then recounts his visit to heaven, and meeting his “unborn sister with no name” in heaven, despite never being told about her.. Whether you believe the account or not, it really is a comforting thought that one day we may meet those unborn children that we’ve loved and lost.
God bless you guys and we’ll continue praying for you.
I’m in awe of your grace and strength, brother. There isn’t much tragedy greater than the loss of a loved child, but the true character, heart and resilience of a family (and their community) is exposed when such a tragedy strikes.
As you enter this next stretch of your journey, I am praying God continues to comfort and bless you, and Courtney, and little Milligan too. Thank you for sharing. I’m bless to be able to watch your story unfold from afar.
As a mom, I can only imagine what you guys are going through. I appreciate too that you are able to put it into words that clearly describe how strong you guys are.
This post makes me want to hug my children tight and remember how blessed we are too.
Hugs to your whole family. 🙂
So sorry to hear about your loss, Baker. I thought you handle the weekend with amazing calmness and grace. Praying for you, Courtney and Milli as you all heal.
Adam, hang in their man. Here’s to a lot of support for you and your family.
Words cannot express how I feel for you and your family right now. You are right. You and your family are so blessed that life has built into you the strength to deal with this loss. I know you and your family will survive past this but you know you have your community around you to support and share with. My love and thoughts with you and your family. Please give everyone a warm hug from me, my husband and my daughter.
Much love and prayers for you, Courtney and Milli
Adrianne, Nico and Isabella
so sorry for your loss adam and courtney ~ you are all in our thoughts and prayers. xoxo, j
I’m so sorry to hear this. A miscarriage is hard enough, but having one after hearing a heart beat must be truly devastating.
We lost our first at 9 weeks so we never heard a heart beat, but the trauma and sadness was still intense. But just like you guys our emotions moved from a feeling of loss to that of appreciation and blessing.
I don’t normally drop links in comments, but I think this one is appropriate and possibly something you and/or your wife might be able to appreciate. It’s a post I did shortly after the experience (this was about 3 years ago):
The Simple Joy Of A Beating Heart
Again, I’m so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to your wife as well. Hang in there! We now have to little boys (Tyson who’s 2 years old and Christopher who’s 2 months) and we couldn’t be happier. 🙂
I’m so sorry for your loss, although this post was heart-breakingly poignant. Much love and prayers to Courtney, you and Milligan.
Hey Baker, my heart goes out to you and your loved ones.
If I can help you in any way, just let me know.
Soooo sorry for your loss. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
I am so so so sorry to hear of this. My heart is broken for you. Please know that I am praying for you!
We lost a baby girl at 13 weeks and 22 years later I still wonder what she would have been.Would she have been athletic,really into school,or just a sweet girl we would have doted on.,In this life we will never have that knowledge but we do have the knowledge that we will someday see her again and that is what carries us through.We have 2 sons but we always think we had 3 children we are just waiting to meet one of them.
We will always carry her in our heart.To those that say “13 weeks is not really a baby”they are fooling themselves.When you realize you felt love that was the proof.God bless you all and let yourself grieve for what could have been..and keep talking…it really does make it easier.Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Stay strong and positive throughout this process.
I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
So sorry Adam, Courtney and Milligan for your family’s loss. You are all in my prayers, too. Courtney, I am glad to hear you are physically well after surgery. Ah, you guys, I am really sorry…. :(*
Courtney and Adam… Sending my love and thoughts to the two of you. I’ve rarely met those as tireless as you and I think you are both amazing. I’m sorry this has happened to you both.
Thanks for the post. And I would say anyone who can have the courage to post this type of story can overcome anything.
Pretty much the same thing happened to my wife on Christmas Eve. Our daughter of 4 spent that Christmas with extended family.
For me, my gut told me to spin the positive as well. I belted out to my wife, “It’s for the best”. Something to say to in a time of such loss.
But as the online world teaches – the world is a HUGE place and whatever is happening to me now is happening to someone else as well, but even worse.
I pretty much had the same gut reaction as you. But I don’t think it was arrogant. Arrogant would be expecting all in life to fall into place simply because it is ME.
For us I think it helped that it happened on Christmas. It made me appreciate what I had, not what we lost. We too are blessed, or lucky, or fortunate.
Really sorry to hear of your loss. All the best to you and your family.
Sorry for your loss Courtney and Baker. Stay strong.
Baker I’m sorry to hear that and we will pray for you and your family. Miscarriage is one of my biggest concerns since my wife is about 2 weeks behind where Courtney was. This article is a great reminder that even in great tragedy we are able to cope with the help of friends and family, and how important they are.
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.
It is very hard—and it will just take time to heal. Lots and lots of time. But you’re already on the right track. A child is a blessing, no matter how they come or go in our world.
Thinking of you and praying for you all.
Lindsey—a mom with 3 special needs kids here on earth, and 3 in heaven
I am so sorry for you and your family! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts so open and honestly. Wishing you lots of good things ♥
I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words to express the loss of a child at any stage. You are indeed a very strong and blessed family. Sending you positive thoughts and blessings.
I’m really sorry to hear about your loss.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve lost two babies to early miscarriage (and carried three healthy baby girls), so I know that it is extremely painful and that they are our children as soon as we know they exist. Prayers for your family as you grieve and go forward with life. May the Lord Jesus carry you through this time.
Baker & Courtney,
Just a quick note to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. While you may not be growing the size of your family, you are certainly growing the depth of your family. Keep your chins up.
Adam and Courtney, my thoughts are with your family. Stay strong.
“If there is anyone who can handle this, it’s Courtney.”
She may be a tough cookie – but make sure she gives herself permission to grieve too. Wishing you peace.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. There was incredible strength and courage in that post. I have followed your journey and know that you will be there for each other.
Bless you and your family!
Baker: You and Courtney are two of the most amazing people I know. Thank you so much for sharing and having the courage to post this … and showing us ‘real life’ in your blog, full of all of the tumultuous events and realities. The beauty in all of this is the love … you are surrounded by so many people who love you. My heart breaks for your loss and yet it fills up seeing how graciously and wonderfully you are holding together. You are an example and inspiration for us all. If you need anything, EVER, you know that there are thousands of people (me included!) that would drop everything in a second to help out. Hugs from afar – Sarah.
I recently found your website. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have gone through this a couple of times about 20 years ago. I understand how you feel and it is good that you are acknowledging your loss. Everyone grieves differently but there is grief even if it doesn’t immediately show up. After an experience like this, I think that what we learn from it, is that life is precious and we love our kids and family even more. My kids were later diagnosed with autism, this diagnosis didn’t bother me much, because I learned to just be so grateful that I had kids! I think that my miscarriages helped me to see the blessings that my kids are, even though they also have autism.
Know that I am thinking of your family!
I am so sorry. I have recently found your blog and love it. This post, in its vulnerable truth and deep repest and generosity for all aspects of life, reveals such tendernes and beauty. Thank you for sharing with such honesty and carring. I wish you grace and healing as you work though this painful time.
I’m truly sorry for your loss, and I’m glad that you have so much support available to you. Keeping the three of you in my thoughts and prayers
So sorry to hear of your loss. Sending thoughts and hopes your way.
Thank you so very much for so eloquently writing this post. It was huge and though my situation is nothing like what you’ve just went through, the perspective you’ve put on life an the things it brings was more uplifting than I can write in words at the moment.
Moving forward and being thankful that I can came to me from what you wrote.
Again, thank you and sending good thoughts to you both.
my heart goes out to you and your family.
So sorry to hear about your loss. Wishing you and yours the best.
I don’t know you nor can I relate to your experience but your post was very moving, it made me cry for the pain and loss you must be feeling. I do believe however, you will meet your son in heaven and that he knows now how much you and your wife love him.
Praying for God’s peace and comfort to blanket you and your family
Dear Baker (and Courtney), your transparency is amazing, your strength enviable and your attitude brilliant. I am so glad I met you Baker at WDS and thinking of you two as you go through this and come to terms and then move on to what else life has in store for you. Many blessings are around us, indeed. Wishing you the very best. Thank you for sharing this amazing perspective on a very sensitive topic, Baker.
Wow. I am so glad you shared. Not just that you updated, but that you opened up and shared. To me that is a very hard thing to do in our culture. Miscarriage seems so…. taboo. It affects SO many people though. And there are so many different reactions any one person could have. The truth is my sister had a terrible miscarriage and her heart broke. I had a very early miscarriage I could have just mistaken for a period at 5 weeks and my heart… didn’t know what to do. I’d known for two days and hadn’t gotten all attached. I felt that guilt you talk about. The… why don’t I feel MORE? But absence of feeling is a feeling. It’s to protect yourself. You have such a wonderful mind and body that it takes over for you in times that are rough. And I look back… I chose to tell my family and friends too. I didn’t have to, but I don’t want it to be some dirty secret. I wanted people to know we struck out and we were grieving so when they asked if we were trying they respected that space and supported us.
My mother in law told me she once miscarried twins. She was at home alone with her sister and her husband off during a time where they were moving and transitioning into a new life. It was all very exciting and she felt so sad about that loss. But then she reminded me that almost to the year after that loss her daughter was born. A year ago in April I lost my first and now I’m 7.5 months pregnant. It felt right that a loss was healed by time. There is nothing you can say to someone who experiences a loss like yours, like mine that makes it better. But you can express love and comfort. And it seems like you have all the friends God put on your journey to help you through.
And you are right. It is an opportunity. One to show your colors and grow closer with your partner and face the ultimate fear of death and loss. I am very happy for your bravery to share your emotions and to break that taboo. We can’t always understand what someone else is going through, but we learn by listening and opening our hearts.
If I can give you any advice, it is just to feel what you are feeling. Don’t force disingenuous feelings or feel pressured to be something that isn’t happening organically. And accept yourself. Don’t judge yourself for how you feel, even if people will tell you they had entirely different experiences. Yours is yours and you can still learn from theirs, but don’t be hard on yourselves. Just feel what you feel. And someday you’ll wake up and it will be more joy than sorrow.
Just wanted to let you guys know I’m thinking of you and sending a big hug. I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’ve been a faithful reader here for a while now, but I’ve only commented a few times. I wanted to tell you that I am very sorry for your loss, and incredibly impressed by your optimism and levelheadedness. Thinking of you and your family.
So sorry for your loss.
My thoughts and heart are with you guys. And while I have no personal experience to draw from to understand the emotions of this sort of loss, it always saddens me to see people who really and truly want kids going through this.
While I know you are both incredibly strong and blessed with amazing community, please do allow yourselves the time and space to grieve and heal.
I felt so sorry for your loss. Following your blog, I was so excited to hear what was next for you guys. I’ve prayed quickly as I write this comment, not really knowing what to pray for but hoping for more and more blessing for your family. I’ve also been through miscarriages, and they are incredibly sad and hard. I’ll be thinking of you from afar.
I’m sorry to hear this Adam. I was really excited for both of you. But as you both know, when something like this happens it’s the body’s way of protecting the child (most often).
You do have a lot of friends around you. You can call me any time.
I wish you and Courtney the best. You both deserve it, Milligan too. 🙂
You are truly an amazing person; you both are. I am deeply sorry for your loss, not just of the actual new person but like you said, of the lost dreams surrounding him. I know a few people who have gone through an unexpected loss such as this, and I will encourage them to read this post as I’m sure they will find it helpful. These are things people don’t like to talk about but truly need to say. I’m thankful you said them.
Myheart is with your family during this time. Though I didn’t have a chance to meet you all at WDS, I have been following your blog for a while and feel connected to your family and your story. I appreciate the honesty and openness with which you share this experience, particularly from the father’s point of view. Your ability to find a blessing in what is a very sad event is very remarkable. Thank you for sharing your story.
I had a tough time deciding to open this post, but I’m glad I did. In times of joy, and in times of sorrow, your thoughts are an inspiration. I’m deeply sorry for your loss and sincerely hope that the good karma you’ve been building in life rewards you many times over.
Like some others above, though an avid reader, I don’t comment much, but felt compelled to express my sadness for you guys. Your post was very moving, and unfortunately I know far too many people this has happened to, but generally its for a reason to protect mom or baby. It sounds that you have a lot of friends and support, which is always a great thing. All my best.
Adam, Courtney & Milli… I’ve been thinking about you and sending lots of love since I heard about your family’s loss. Thank you for your courage to share your thoughts about this – I know the death of a child is incredibly emotive (not just for the parents!) and the sadness can feel quite wordless, so talking about it takes immense courage. Your sharing is a big service to others who go through similar experiences – especially because most people keep very silent about it. There’s no shame in grief, but in our Western societies, we tend to hide it as though it’s a shameful thing.
I especially resonated with what you said about the importance of remaining flexible (agile?). Grief is an incredibly unpredictable process – it’s different for each of us, and I found that as soon as I thought I’d “pinned it down” for myself, I discovered a new face to my grief that I hadn’t taken in before and I had to learn how to relate to that new part of my grief. I was especially surprised by the contradictions – and the fact that I found myself feeling more love/ awe/ peace/ clearer priorities/ more appreciative of my blessings alongside the intense sadness. You don’t have to choose between the sadness and the positive feelings of appreciation/ love, etc. You can have them all – feeling it all is part of being truly alive.
Big love to you and your family,
You two are blessed. And awesome. Thank you for sharing this. I know how tough it can be. You have a lot of friends, wherever you are.
Baker, I’m so sorry. There truly are no words to describe it. I’m sorry I missed that conference. You and your family are in my prayers. You have encouraged me so much, that through the worst of it all we can keep moving forward. You are a reminder of the power of the human spirit and the undeniable power of God.
Thank you for sharing this, Baker. I know it was one of the harder ones to write, but it will also be one of the most powerful
Thank you for sharing. thoughts and prayers go out to you and the family. I imagine you’ve impacted a lot of people today by sharing your thoughts here. Thanks for that.
Adam, I’m so sorry to hear about your and Courtney’s loss but it’s very encouraging to hear how you’re handling it and experiencing the situation. Thank you for honestly sharing your feelings, and I know you will continue to be blessed.
You, Courtney and Millie will be in my prayers.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family!
I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences.
My husband and I lost our pregnancy/child on Monday. We’ve been struggling for so long to conceive; it’s such a devastating loss. And yet, I’m surprised at how well we’re coping with it. There have been some very low moments this week, and I can’t say that I feel blessed, as you describe it, but the support of family and friends has been amazing.
Thank you for sharing with us. I know it takes courage to open yourself up to other people, and I think your resilience to do so is inspiring. Thanks again-
Baker & Courtney —
I was so sorry to hear your bad news. Your whole family is in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you nothing but wonderful things as you continue your journey on the road and through life.
Baker, many blessings to you and your family. Make sure to take care of yourself and Courtney right now. Your positive outlook on this has really helped me, as I experienced several miscarriages that I never quite got over. You are brave for sharing this, and your strength will pull you through.
I’m so sorry to hear about your littlest one. I had an early miscarriage last year, and it was so hard. I find this post very inspiring. Thank you.
We have never spoken or written but I have read your site for a little while now.
When you announced the pregnancy we (Mrs SPF and I) were elated at your news. We saw an opportunity to read about your experiences and journey and share with you, albeit silently, our similar experience. Mrs. SPF is 26 weeks pregnant.
Needless to say my heart sunk when I saw the title of this blog post. I feared the worst.
After reading the post my respect for you as a human, father, husband and man has increased, yet again. Thank you for your kind and wise words here today during such a difficult time.
We send our most positive vibes to Courtney and yourself.
Mrs. SPF and by default lil’ SPF will get a long hug when I see them later today.
So sorry for your families loss. I understand how you feel and the blog moved me to tears. In April our daughter lost our first grand daughter at 32 weeks. I thought the danger was passed too. Then that Sunday afternoon she called me from work and said to come and get her and before I could get there she called again and I knew she needed to call the ambulance. It was very hard to watch her give birth to a little girl who looked so much like her and weighed close to 4#. But then because of the blood loss we came close to losing our daughter too. We were blessed with doctors and nurses who were one step ahead and had the knowledge to have called and were ready with blood immediately and over the next 12+ hrs to stabilize her. The love you feel for the baby you were dreaming of is very real and hopefully one day you will again be blessed with another child. God bless
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family during this time. Thank you for having the courage to be open and share your thoughts and feelings.
Baker and Courtney, I am in awe of your strength. You ARE blessed. Let me know if we can help in any way.
I have been keeping up with your blog or a couple months now. Your family has really inspired me and has made me take a good hard look at my life. I am so sorry to hear this happened to your family. We will be praying for you guys!!
So sorry for your loss. Blessings in this difficult time.
Prayers are with you and your family.
I”m so sorry for the loss of your baby. We’ll pray for you all.
You both are amazing people and you are both blessed! You are strong and smart and I know that in your future lies more wonderful things.
Baker, I’m so sorry for your and Courtney’s loss – I don’t have children, and can only imagine what this must feel like for you.
I was very touched by this post – it isn’t easy to rise above such a challenging experience and handle it with not only grace, but gratitude. It’s the kind of wisdom that we often preach, but seldom practice – you’ve really set an example for the rest of us here.
Wishing both you and Courtney peace, happiness and joy in the days and weeks to come,
I just started following your blog a couple days ago, and was saddened to read today’s post. However, it was honestly and beautifully written, and I appreciate your sharing it with us.
Shed a tear for you as I read your touching post…prayers for you and your wife that God will bring comfort and peace to your hearts.
I’m praying for you guys. Thank you for sharing your life with us all…the ups and the downs.
My condolences to you Baker and Courtney. This is an unbelievably tough situation, but your post is brave and inspiring, and it is amazing you are able to look at the positive during these times. I wish you a strong recovery and know the family will continue to grow from this.
I’m so sorry to hear of this terrible loss. My wife and I have been through two miscarriages and understand the range of emotions. Hang in there…better days are ahead.
You are doing the right thing. There is no such thing as “loss.” I have been through this a couple of times and even the death of my son Brandon who died from “crib death.” After I lot of grieving, I learned to focus on what I gained from each child whether they were born living or not. Each one gave me something. It’s the spiritual gifts that we receive in life are truly the most amazing gifts that any of us can receive. For me, it’s indescribable, but it is tangible and real. So, to considering yourself blessed allows you to know and experience the gifts your son gave the both of you during the time he was physically with you.
I am definitely praying for all of you. Miscarriage is hard for the mothers, but it is hard for us fathers too. We don’t have all of the physical things going on, and often they happen before there is a lot of time to become mentally attached, but we do. After our first daughter was born, we had three consecutive miscarriages in a year, the last one ectopic which resulted in emergency surgery. It was brutal on my wife and me. Our faith got us through that time. God has blessed us with three more amazing children since then and now another on the way! Thank you for the courage to share this with the “world”, you have no idea (until today probably) how many people deal with this kind of loss. You will never understand it, but you will get through it. My prayers are with you, Courtney & Milligan.
Sorry to hear the bad news Baker, but inspired to read about your attitude toward it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Baker. My thoughts are with you and Courtney. I am confident you will both pull through stronger and wiser. From this post you are clearly already on that path.
Really sorry to hear about your loss. I echo what the commenter above said.
Thanks for this post, and all your blog.
A long time reader.
So sorry for your loss, take time to grieve. All of you. You will never forget him and in time the ache feels less. Plant a tree or a rose, and every time it blossoms/blooms you share what might have been, a bittersweet memory. Sorry that it has taken something so sad to for me to drop by and leave a comment. I read often.
Sorry Baker & Courtney, have strength in this difficult times, we’re with you in your pain.
This is a “silent pain” that many walk through life experiencing but rarely talking about. Thank you for having the courage to let others walk with you. Praying for you all!
Over the years, your honesty and candor have earned the love and respect of your MvD family, myself included. Prayers to you and yours. Get some rest. We are here for you.
Thank you for the post, Baker. I’m a mother of one and we just started trying for a second. Hearing about the loss of your child is devastating, I’m so very sorry. My husband and I both read your blog and I’m always amazed at how much you share with us. You let us in on your life and your family’s life in such a positive and constructive way. I can’t imagine how difficult this time must be for you and Courtney, but I thank you for sharing with us. You’re realization that you are so blessed is also wonderful to hear.
I wish you and your family strength and joy. Take care.
I’m very sorry for your loss and wish you and your family all the best. I can’t imagine what it’s like, but in my mind, this is the worst that could happen to anyone. At the same time, it’s amazing to read the positive feelings you have managed to find through these difficult days. Hopefully, your experience will give somebody out there the strength to carry on.
Sincere prayers and many greetings to you.
Lots of prayers and healing vibes being sent your way….god bless
My heart aches for your family. We all wish for you peace, love, health and joy.
Truly sorry to hear of your loss, and thankful to read your genuine post. Not much out there is real, but the support of your followers certainly is – God bless you and your sweet family.
Our interactions were brief at WDS, but I carry your presence, and that of your beautiful family with me. I did not know you were going through these experiences and those emotions during this event… I am deeply sorry for your loss, and also deeply touched by your post. It is always so telling of a persons character how they handle the difficulties of life, this post these sentiments only affirm my brief original impression. My sweetest healing thoughts are with you.
I am at a loss for words except to say I’m so very sorry for the loss that you and your family have experienced.
Oh Adam and Courtney, my heart goes out to you! I just completed my 12th week myself and thought I was in the clear, but you’re right…the odds are never zero. I truly admire your strength and the way you have both handled it. And I think I need a little dose of reality to keep myself in check as well, so again thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. You have no idea how much you are helping others.
I wish there was something I could personally do, but it sounds like you are getting what you need from the community that is. Your family is in my thoughts. How is Milli taking it? Does she understand what happened?
You’re handling it well and that’s a testament to your relationship and inner strength. A friend of mine just lost a child at 4 months, it was hard for them as they were looking forward to starting a family but are going to continue. Praying for you and yours and thanks for letting us support you as you’ve done for us.
Adam and Courtney, I’m so sorry for your loss. More tears will be shed over your loss than you will ever know by people you don’t know and may never meet. I hope the Universe brings you both peace. Thank you for sharing with us. We are all with you.
Sorry for your loss.
That is such an amazing outlook on the situation, thank you for sharing such a personal experience.
thank you for such honesty and courage during this challenging time. and i can’t imagine what it was like to still show up and do the work you needed to do with all of this going on. you have always been such an inspiration; this just knocked it up a couple levels. we’re here for all of you.
I know what you are feeling, my wife and I pass the same, is not an easy process nor the physical level of psychological, life is tough sometimes, but in the end you have
a fantastic family of 3 persons, sometimes life plays us tricks, but also knows how to reward, stay firm! We are with you.
Adam and Courtney,
As I said on the phone, you are both in my thoughts and prayers.
You are blessed.
Adam and Courtney – So very sorry for your loss. Your willingness to share it and help others who might be going through the same thing is very noble. I wish you both the best.
Baker thank you for sharing,
I usually do not comment on post but your blog is the real deal. You always have something good and positive to say. Thank You for sharing! This post was amazing and you thoughts were so sincere. You will have another chance to conceive and I pray that you heal. I am glad your wife is doing well and keep up the good work of being caring.
Having been where you are (twice!), the pain lessens, but will come back at the most unexpected times (like for me, reading your post!). There are no words that can be said, and nothing that can be done, except to send hugs and prayers your way.
A bud on earth but a blossom in heaven.
Keep the faith!
Dear Baker & Courtney:
I’ve suspected you two were pretty amazing human beings, but this insightful post seals the impression!
My heart goes out to you in your loss, and supports you in the growth you’re experiencing, and rejoices in all the love that is surrounding you, as you go through this.
You’ve worded your experience so truthfully and beautifully. Thank you for keeping it real. Many prayers to you, Courtney and Millie.
Baker + Courtney + Milligan,
My heart goes out to you at this sorrowful time. My thoughts + prayers are with you.
Please allow yourselves the time to grieve and heal, and do reach out if you need a hand to hold, an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.
my heart aches for you and I’m sending the both of you much love – thank you for sharing as you do, with words that nest & comfort.
Thank You So Much For Sharing Your Most Wonderful Love Story………
All The Best…
Baker… I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Your transparency is amazing.
God Bless You and your family.
Years ago, I lost a child at 12 weeks. It was a hard time for me. I had one and would go on to have three more. But there is still a part of me who misses and grieves for that one. My nephew and his wife had their fourth in vitro procedure two years ago. After three miscarriages, she was carrying twins. At 24 weeks, she had an emergency C-section. Their daughter lived but their son did not. He is buried in the local church yard with a headstone and all. They will never forget him, even though he only lived for about half an hour and died in his father’s arms. You are blessed and it is wonderful that you recognize it. I don’t think too many of us realize how common, but how hard this can be to go through.
Oh, wow, I am so sad to hear this news. My heart goes out to all of you, and I’m so glad that you’re able to recognize the ways in which you’re blessed even at the worst of times (I guess it’s those tragedies in life that often make us most aware of everything else that’s good in our lives). Sending big hugs. xo
So sorry for you loss. I’m impressed by your insights at this time. Had three miscarriages myself, it’s tough. So prayers for you, Courtney, and Milligan. I admire your courage in your life and relationships.
I’ve only been following for a short time, but I’m a huge fan of your blog and this was an incredibly sad post to read.
At the same time, it’s hugely inspirational, humbling and moving to see your attitude and the perspective you’ve been able to keep on the subject – something that I’m not sure I, nor many others, would be able to do.
Here’s hoping that you’ll be able to add to your family in the future and that this is but a momentary blip that will make the joys of the future all the stronger.
My heart goes out to you and Courtney. How awesome it is that you can feel blessed even as you grieve. I don’t know many people who could look at it that way.
I love your words about flexibility. I’ve just stepped out on that path myself, and it’s so freeing. As I watched you and the other WDS team members taking care of things at the summit, I was reaffirmed time and again that this is the only way to live.
Many more blessings to you and your family! 🙂
I am saddened to hear of the loss of your son.
After living through this with my daughter and her husband- who are some of the strongest people I know- please consider sitting with a counselor and talk together in a month or two.
If you ever need- remember there is us- and there is always a place in every graveyard for the children who did not have a chance to live with us on the Earth.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thanks for sharing. I believe in the power of prayer and
I know you have many prayers from many people!
Please stay strong and keep on writing. I know I speak for others too when I
say I wish I could travel as you do and I feel that I can dream about how much fun it would
be when I read your stories.
My thoughts are with you and your family. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, however, the feelings you wrote of are very similar to mine after losing my closest childhood friend last Christmas. I pray that your family can heal together and regain a sense of hope for the future.
Baker, Courtney, and Milli,
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I thank you for your openness and reminder that we should all feel so blessed with our lives. My thoughts and love.
We lost a child too, but it took almost a year for me to come to terms with it. If there’s anything I can do once you’re back in Hoosier-land, let me know. Indy’s only two hours away. 🙂
I can’t even imagine going through something like this…and while so many of us were joined together for such a transformative experience at WDS.
My heart is with you. So glad Courtney is safe.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I really wish I could give you some amazing insight on how you should handle your grief – a handy 3 step guide or something… but the truth is no one will handle grief and hurt the same way.
I simply hope and pray that you find comfort in the words and presence of your friends and family. And may you find much love in the midst of your grief.
Such a beautiful post. I love that you are so open and able to share your experiences in a way that honors how you feel and lets other people in at the same time. Sending love to you, Courtney and Milligan.
I’m in a similar process with my sister who is currently pregnant (she has lupus, so miscarriages are very very likely), so I can identify with the nervousness and the grieving that can come afterward and how awesome friends can be at moments like that.
From the amount of scrolling I just did, I think you have some people that love you guys here and that, by itself, is fantastic…
…and so are all of you.
Adam, my heart sunk when I read you and Courtney lost the baby. It’s not an accident that you used an image of a long tunnel with light at the end, right? As someone said once, death is just a change of address. Let time do its healing.
Prayers for you and your family. It is a blessing to have such a strong community of support during this tough time. I hope you find grace and peace through this loss.
Baker, Courtney, and Milligan,
awwwwwwwww, I’m very sorry to read about your loss. Your ability to be able to blog about without stifling yourself it is a true sign of your strength. Let it be a lesson to the rest of us that we too are all blessed many times in our own lives. You have a way to make me feel… as special as I am. 🙂
Much love and positive thoughts being sent to you and yours.
<3 <3 <3
I so needed to read this post today…my husband and I were expecting our first child (a boy) at the end of July, but we lost him at the beginning of April – I was at 24 weeks. We understand “crisis mode” very well – I was extremely sick for most of the pregnancy and at 21 weeks the baby stopped growing. We steeled ourselves and somehow just dealt with navigating the physical necessities of doctors visits, hospital stays, blood tests (and more tests!), ultrasounds, etc.
When the funeral was over, we each started to deal with the emotional part, but for awhile it was mostly relief. Relief that the physical trauma was over, and for my husband, relief that I was OK. We also felt guilty about these emotions, but we’re dealing with our grief now – together, but each of us in our own way. There is something so precious about realizing that you have such a vast and amazing support system of friends and family – unfortunate that it takes a tragedy to realize it. I was stunned to find out just how many people opened up to tell us they, too, had lost a baby during pregnancy. I guess it’s something we just don’t talk about with people we don’t think will understand.
I wish you all the best and you are most definitely in our thoughts and prayers.
God bless you and your family! Thank you for your brilliant posts. It’s a blessing to read your articles.
I had three miscarriages before my Little Man arrived on the scene. It’s not easy, but it will get better with time. I don’t know if the doctors told you, but a woman can suffer from Post Partum Depression even after an early miscarriage, so take care of yourselves and be gentle with yourselves during this delicate time. I’m not saying that to be negative, but just to allow yourselves the time you need to grieve. There’s no competition into who can “get up and go!” fastest.
I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I hope it never happens to you guys again (or me either for that matter!)
Adam, Courtney & Milligan: I’m very sorry for the loss of your child/brother. Any miscarriage is/can be painful, emotionally and physically. One in which you’ve had time to bond with your child very strongly and to identify with that little person who’s wiggling around in there is all the more so.
Adam, the strength you must have to feel these things, say these words to yourself and to have found someone of equal strength is amazing.
So sorry to hear this, Baker. Your family is in our thoughts today.
Sorry to hear this, buddy. Never happened to us, but plenty of friends. Can’t even imagine how you guys feel. Praying.
My heart goes out to you all. Your blog is poignant, beautiful, sad, and full of love. Please accept my condolences.
sorry baker and court,
this post touched my heart chin up ok!
love me and my family.
Im so sorry for your loss. Thats rough.
My deepest sympathies go out to you and Courtney with respect to the loss that you both are dealing with right now. I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with something like that. You were already a major inspiration to me with your blog and other endeavors. That inspiration has multiplied tenfold by the strength, courage, optimism, and downright manliness you just exhibited in this post. Hang in there, and thanks for being you.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.
I’m glad you posted about it, because I think it is important to talk about miscarriages and the grief that comes with them. Thanks for being brave and for sharing with us.
Adam, this post is amazingly beautiful. I am so sorry for you and Courtney and Milli. You are an incredible family and deserve happiness and peace. My prayers are with you as you grieve.
Keep talking, sharing, and being best friends with each other. It will make it easier. Very sorry that you lost a beautiful boy.
I am so sorry this has happened. I am glad you have the support around you to help you through this. It is often days after an event that the feelings emerge.
Take care of each other. xoxo
Baker, I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I’ve read some of your stuff in the past but I’ve never commented. As a father of two little boys I can’t even imagine the pain. The emotion in your post is palpable. I don’t have anything insightful to add or any good advice (considering I have no idea how I’d handle the same event), but I just wanted to leave a quick comment letting you know I feel for you man. Best wishes working through this. God bless!
Baker, Courtney and Milligan,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that can wipe away the pain nor make it any less of an event than it is/was. As you are finding out, you get through it and don’t always “feel” the event until later, often much later.
I have been where you are (at 14 weeks) and it is hard, very hard. I remember so many people saying what they thought was the right thing, most of which felt hurtful, wrong and/or inappropriate. I also knew they meant well and cared about us and were simply doing something – anything – to try and ease the pain. Please keep that in mind if, and when, those comments are made. Know that most people just don’t know what to say. To this day, I still don’t.
I will keep you all in my thoughts as you heal and move forward.
Just sending love to you all. Being blessed is real. Feeling grief is real. It’s all real. There’s more pain, and there’s more love to come. And you all are in my heart. Ugh.
Oh Baker, Courtney, and Milligan, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You will be in my prayers for comfort. I can say that although I have never met you personally that I care and thank you so much for trusting your readers with such personal news. I am sure given the chance all of us would like to give you a hug. Yes, you are blessed. Many of us do not realize how blessed we are; but you do.
Thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for your beautiful blog. My little brother passed away suddenly 6 months ago, and I too found myself sharing the experience with my readers. It was the hardest, yet most cathartic blog I have ever written.
We realised that a tragedy can either make or break the family, for us it brought us all even closer together, and I am sure this will do the same for you and Courtney.
Lots of love,
So sorry for your loss. Your ability to see the positive through this and keep moving on, though, is a encouragement to everyone. May you know God’s comfort throughout the coming months.
I’ve read your blog for ages but never commented until now. I wanted to pass on my deepest sympathies and say that I think you’re incredibly brave the way you’re approaching this whole thing. I am very lucky to have 2 healthy children. I only ever got pregnant twice and both times it worked out perfectly (although I went into premature labor with our second which was scary.)
I have (or had) a friend who has a little boy the same age as our eldest and fell pregnant with her second a couple of weeks after I did. Sadly she lost the baby at 20 weeks and it hit her very hard. She no longer wanted any contact from me because my pregnancy reminded her too much of her loss. I felt terrible because I wanted to support her, but how could I possibly know how she was feeling? It happened almost a year ago and we still don’t talk. I’ve bumped into her a couple of times and suggested that we have a playdate. She’s said OK at the time but has always cancelled. According to other mutual friends she has really withdrawn and is struggling to connect with everything and anything around her.
I think you guys are amazing to take such a ‘healthy’ approach to such a tough situation. I wish you all the best in the world and hope all the good wishes you’re getting manifest into an amazing future!!
Thank you for sharing this. I found it on my facebook wall. I found out today that I have a brain tumor. I have spine surgery scheduled 200 miles away on 7/19. This has to take precedence, although my spine hurts as do my legs. Your blog put everything into perspective for me. It gives me hope and makes me realize that whether I live or die, I am blessed. If I live, I will be with my loving husband and my son and daughter-in-law and grands for a long time. It it is malignant or I don’t come out of the surgery, I will be with my maker for eternity, and will see the loved ones who have left this earth, and whom I miss terribly. Either way, I am at peace now. Thank you so very much for giving me peace and courage and for removing the fear.
You never get over the loss of an unborn child, but their presence in your lives is one of appreciation for all the miracles that exist for us despite adversity. I lost a baby before my four children were born, and I never stop wondering what he would have been like. Cherish this baby’s presence in your memories and never stop loving the lives you are living with Milligan and each other in his honor. Barbara
Hey Baker. Thinking of you guys. So sorry to hear, but wow, what an amazing perspective you have on it. I hope the outpouring of responses here are a reminder for you of how many people’s lives you touch through your life of love and inspiration. Although my heart hurts for you, seeing so many people responding here makes me feel good to be part of the human race. Thanks for doing all you do and spreading such wisdom.
Baker and Courtney, I’m so sorry for your loss.
SO sorry for your loss. Mourn the loss and let yourself grieve. He is still your baby boy in spirit, and I believe you will meet him again some day.
I have nothing to say except that my wife and miscarried our first child as well (around 10 weeks), and it’s totally OK to mourn the loss. We did, and it took many months to keep moving on with life. I’m praying for you and your wife to make it through this tough time!
Baker, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through but as a father to a young child myself I know it has to be gut wrenching. Congrats on keeping a positive outlook. Keep your chin up and I wish you and Courtney the best.
I subscribe to a number of blogs – and never once have I been compelled to write anything, but the raw authenticity of your post moved me to tears. I’m so sorry you had to go through this Baker — unfortunately, no matter what we think, life is seldom what we imagine it’s going to be. I appreciate everything it took for you to share this with all of us. Stay strong and keep on living the dream ….. you have more friends than you know.
I visit your site every week or two. Today, I spotted your RV in the Hollywood District, and was reminded it was time to visit your page. Then I saw your post. In tragedy, you have been inspiring.
I don’t know you, or your family, but I’m very sorry for your loss. Clearly, you have a large community of people that are here for you–and can take comfort in that as you grieve.
Ahh Baker and Courtney… our hearts go out to you and Milligan. You are loved and prayed for. Life is precious, no matter how fleeting. Hang on to each other.
That you have the character to come out here in an emotional time and share your heartbreaking story with people, like me, that you have never met before is inspiring. I have never faced the same emotional tremor that you must still be facing but I hope, that when the time comes, I will be able to handle it with the same finesse and power that you have.
You and your family have come to be true role models not just in personal finance but in life.
Adam and Courtney, I, like all these people that have posted before me, am so sorry for your loss. and at the same time admire your strength. I still grieve for my little granddaughter from time to time, but I feel so blessed by what I have. Sounds like you have a grip on how grieving and appreciation goes hand in hand. Take care.
Adam and Courtney, I am so sorry for your loss. You are showing such dignity and grace during this time… it is inspiring. I pray that God gives you peace and comfort beyond all understanding. Thank you for sharing your life and touching so many others as you do.
God bless you and yours,
Baker and Courtney… an amazing story to share with your friends and audience and with such heartfelt tenderness. Its unfortunate that these things happen and even worse, why they happen. You could feel defeated and withdrawn and wonder if you did something wrong to cause it. I am just very sorry for your loss. I’m not going to say keep your heads up or you’re young and can try again or any of those types of statements. Right now, all I want to say is I’m very sorry and hope time will help heal your hurt.
So sorry for your loss Baker, but by the comments on here, I can tell you built a caring and worthy community that supports you fully.
Financially Elite Blog dot Com
I’m so sorry for your loss. Having to write this post must have been extremely difficult. Your strength will get you through this. I’m glad to hear Courtney’s surgery went well and that she’s okay. Hang in there.
Condolences, peace and love to you and your family.
We lost our first pregnancy to a miscarriage almost 5 years ago. I still remember that date. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am so very, very sorry to hear about your loss. That is a true heartbreak. I do appreciate your willingness to be honest with first yourself, then the rest of us about what this experience has been about. Please know you and Courtney have a lot of silent support out here, sending you love.
Baker, Courtney, and Milligan:
We just want to say we are thinking of you and that you have blessed US with your story, your amazing ability to share, and your reminders of what the truly important things are in life.
Heather & Dave
That moment of insight occurred for my father, a veterinarian, when I went into labor 8 weeks early. He, who had previously shrugged off the loss of a newborn with the thought that the parents hadn’t become attached and there could be another child, admitted later that the though that my unborn child might not make it into the world changed his view about life and families. He was invested in this child none of us had ever met.
My son arrived, thrived, and delighted his grandfather.
Sorry for the loss. My condolences.
Youre both very blessed to have each other and that wisdom in accepting the circumstances. God bless your hearts with more love and hope. =)
I too offer you my heartfelt thoughts and prayers. I can tell you from experience, we lost our daughter, that it is not an easy road. To this day God & I have our differences. It took me about a year, but I got really mad at Him and it has taken me 11+ years to patch that relationship. It’s still tough. Please whatever you do, don’t allow this to shut your life down. You have such an awesome thing going with your travels and hopes and dreams. Don’t do like my wife and I did. We shut down for years. We are still not back to where we should be financially, spiritually, relationally, or entrepreneurially. Keep your faith and your family strong.
dearest baker & courtney, i am teary eyed and most heartfelt stricken over your families loss. a day to remember from our journey in the flesh. a solemn sadness over our spirits. its so hard. i love you
Hello Courtney and Baker,
There is no way for me to know what your family is going through, but I can say that you have given me support through your blog–support for my core beliefs, about materialism, freedom, and Americans’ inner work needing to be done. I want to offer you back a little of that support now.
I pray that you will one day have what you want so much; not a bigger house, but a bigger family. May God Bless and strengthen you now.
It’s great to see that you guys are a strong family and have rallied together. There isn’t much more to say that hasn’t already been said, my thoughts go out to your family.
Adam and Courtney I’m so sorry for your loss.
Big Love Baker Family.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Some people are only with us for the briefest of times and yet leave such a big imprint on our hearts xxx
So sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us, you and your family and your little angel are in my thoughts.
My heart, and thoughts, are with you, Courtney and Milli. Amazing that you are able to feel blessed throughout this ordeal.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Baker.
So sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts.