Comments on: Married With Separate Finances: I Just Don’t Get It

By: Theresa

Theresa — Fri, 04 May 2012 05:14:49 +0000

I’m in the Grey. As it is many people don’t understand why I have seperate banking, and some seperate bills.
It first started going into the marriage. I had a chequing account with one bank, and he had another account at a different bank. I Just kept my account. He supported me through babies, and when I went back to work – I did attempt to put “our” money together. But then we encountered spending issues. ( just being honest – as combined income looked like we had more “blow money” ( This is back in the 90′s -and dialup)
so I moved my pay over, and I took over “certain bills” including day care. He was added as a Joint person on my account, and vice versa. He has a bank card to where my money is deposited, and vice versa.

When We went to go financing for our “First” Loan – His bank said No, but mine said Yes. So then we began borrowing from “the bank I used”.

Years went on, and the system still works well. I get my pay cheques separate from his dates, and different bills just come out of different accounts. We both have awesome “CREDIT”

Our 1 Visa is Joint. & All ownership is joint.

So No we don’t put our money together, and we do a bit of “hers & His” but it’s technically ours, We just take on chewing away debt separately is all.

Example He has a company truck – with personal access. He pays the mortgage, I pay the vehicle payment – It’s our Jeep – but I am the one that drives it 90% of the time, so sometimes I say it’s “Mine”, but it’s ours.

If he ends up short – he can get cash out of mine and vice versa. But we do separate payments and work on debt paying together but separate.

So I’m not sure if this fits into “Separate finances” in your head, but it’s how ours works.

By: LeadGenGal

LeadGenGal — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 20:06:17 +0000

I completely agree with your column on joint/separate finances. My problem is my spouse insists on separate finances. She makes most of the money, I make very little but stay home to take care of the house, etc. I feel degraded having to ‘ask’ for money and never having a dime. She has a sizable bank account that I do not have access too. She leaves money for me in a ‘house fund’ but it is not to pay for “my bills” like healthcare, etc. It’s a terrible way to handle finances in a relationship. I thought “together” meant “together” boy was I wrong. Best thing for me is get a high paying job & pay my own way.

By: Budgets and Married People: Separate But Equal Accounts?

Budgets and Married People: Separate But Equal Accounts? — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:50:43 +0000

[...] articles about this issue: Should you have separate accounts? by Dayana Yochim Married with Separate Finances: I just don’t get it. Separate or Joint Bank Accounts for Spouses Are your finances as strong as your marriage? Money: [...]

By: Saving Kelly: Separate But Equal?

Saving Kelly: Separate But Equal? — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 15:29:53 +0000

[...] articles about this issue:Should you have separate accounts? by Dayana YochimMarried with Separate Finances: I just don’t get it.Separate or Joint Bank Accounts for SpousesAre your finances as strong as your marriage?Money: [...]

By: J

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 04:49:31 +0000

I loved the philosophy you put into your decision about joint vs. separate finances! Too often, it seems, marriage is viewed as a roommate situation, although I doubt many would admit this. However, its obvious that this type of mentality is a subconscious motive behind many couples decisions. This is apparent by the way many couples live- my car, my money, my goals, etc. rather than our this, our that. Really, what is the point of getting married then? It is true, having a joint life, including finances, makes one vulnerable. But as you noted, what is the point of being in a marriage in which there is no trust? If we live in such a way that we take every possible precaution to prevent others from taking advantage of us, including our spouse, we are living somewhat of a paranoid life telling our spouse that we don’t trust them. Yes, we have protected our finances but is safeguarding things really the best way to unite two souls, to develop trust, to foster intimacy, and to truly develop a life together rather than just living two separate ones supposedly side by side? I live with a spouse who is dealing with addictions as well and he had considerable amount of consumer debt when we got married whereas I had none. However, we decided to join our finances for the sake of working as one. It has been frustrating at times trying to talk through his spending habits with him, especially when I have always made a point of staying out of debt and saving money. Yet if we had not had a joint account, we really would not have to work together and he would still be heavily involved in his addiction. He would have gone along with his poor spending habits and lack of a saving commitment. The joining of two to become one is what we should strive for in marriage and yes, it takes sacrifice, without a doubt, but it is so worth the sacrifice.

By: M

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 02:26:26 +0000

I completely 100% agree with this article. I am so dead set against separate finances. I get the whole separate thing for small personal items such as obviously lunches out for work, gas, snacks that kind of stuff. But what I don’t agree with is keeping separate finances when it comes to BILLS and major PAYMENTS!! That makes me furious when I hear couples say they have all their accounts separate, one pays this bill the other pays that bill etc. Common that is complete BS, Keep you damn (major) fiances together and it makes it a million times easier to pays those damn bills. I’ve known couples that this whole keep separate finances all separate then when it comes to the he pays that bill, she pays that bill and then the big oops she or he can’t pay one of their bills cause one doesn’t have enough money in that account. NO absolutely NOT PERIOD!!!! keep the major big finance account all in one, when bills come you have that account that is specifically for BILLS and with the combined income you know then you that account always has the money for the bills. It then eliminates the constant bickering of you pay this bill, I pay that, you (with combined accounts) don’t have the confusion of I paid this bill, did she pay that one!!, also when it comes time for bills you simply write checks (or auto pay) from one account and it’s simply done in like 10 min. It takes a huge, huge pressure off of each other cause you have that ONE combined account to pay everything. Plus also if one suddenly with this economy loses their job or laid off they have that one account that you know is their, complete safety net and you can lean on the wife, husband for awhile with that combined account until you get going again. It takes so much stress away with the combined accounts.

By: Get Money Today

Get Money Today — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 09:09:14 +0000

Separate finances work well for me and my partner – I like to maintain my independence and so does he. We do have a joint account for house expenses but our salaries are treated separately and we dont have to have the approval of the other partner to spend our money in the way we wish. It works for us – the thought of having to justify every little piece of expenditure sends me into a cold sweat!

By: Slinky

Slinky — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 20:37:43 +0000

Here’s a riddle for you:
Sometimes we both use mine or both use his, sometimes we each use our own, and sometimes only one of us needs it at all. What is it?

The answer could be money. But it could also be a car or computer or blanket or a whole lot of other kinds of “stuff”. The things I share with my spouse are love and life and hopes and dreams and all those really important, completely intangible things. I refuse to elevate money to that same level.

Money is just abstract stuff. You can use it to buy stuff or give it to someone to do something for you and then they can use it to buy stuff. In my mind, that just makes money a substitute for any kind of possession. Once you start thinking that way, it becomes really hard to take people seriously when they start implying that you are “less married” than they are because you don’t have a shared checking account. It’s like commenting on my marriage based on whether we share a computer or each have separate ones. For the record, I also own my own socks, shoes, and formal dresses. Is that enough to completely negate my marriage or shall I go on?

By: Tram

Tram — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 15:45:24 +0000

Like the blog, completely agree that married couples who refuse to have a joint account. Didn’t take the minister seriously when he said “one”. The sayings “your money” “my money” “you pay for that” “I pay what I want” removes any sense of being “one” and promotes separation.

http://www.mytotalmoneymakeover.com/index.cfm?event=dspAskDave&intContentItemId=120524

By: Christiana

Christiana — Mon, 23 May 2011 06:01:07 +0000

Once upon a time…I too was dead against “separate finances” and was even more dead set against divorce ever being an “option”. That was once upon a time when i was young, newly married, was cavalier and thought “i knew better” than those who had been married for years and certainly more than those who had been “divorced”.

Flash forward 16 years of marriage and i found myself BROKE as my now ex-husband cleaned out our joint accounts, cashed in IRAs, even cleaning out our sons college account and maxed out our “joint” credit cards– all so he can fund his much younger mistress’s every whim and desire. Further, unbeknown to me, he also had separate secret accounts in addition to our joint ones. I found out about the affair thanks to the credit card trail, which included using my identity to book airline tickets for his mistress.

I am now older and WISER and yes DIVORCED from a man who betrayed our family physically, emotionally, mentally and financially, all for the sake of a vagina half his age.

At the age of 43 i found myself starting all over again in life with my beautiful children in tow. You see my ex also managed to wiggle himself out of paying full child support for two children. His objection–”If i pay x amount of child support there wont be enough for my girlfriend”.
He was no longer the man i married. Something dark happens to men when “another woman” enters their life.
They lose the ability to think rationally, and become willing to give up everything for the “other woman”. Who in the end turned out to be nothing more than a gold-digger arriving as suddenly, destroying everything in her path and leaving as swiftly as a tornado. And yes it wasn’t until 2 years post divorce(and after he had moved her into our home) that my EX finally saw her for what she was when she left him for yet another married man with more “assets”. Everything we had built TOGETHER was gone just like that! The damage was already done by BOTH OF THEM.
Worse yet– I was left to pick up the pieces of my children’s broken hearts & feelings of betrayal all while sitting dead broke in an apartment in the not so nice part of town (The spouse and mistress got the house since i didn’t have the cash reserves for a long drawn out battle in court thanks to him cleaning out our “joint accounts”.
To celebrate they took a little trip to Hawaii with the money from, you guessed it, our JOINT ACCOUNTS.
Thank God i at least received physical custody of the most precious things in life to me–my children. Flash forward 5 years later and i am finally back on my feet–well almost.
For those of you who brush this little tale off with the attitude “she just married a creep” think again. He wasn’t always this way. He changed- quite suddenly- when snow white entered the picture. I call her snow white because that’s how she presented herself to him–as innocent and virginal as fresh fallen snow.

The moral of my tale? NEVER EVER EVER have a JOINT account with ANYONE. Especially if you have children. For their sake just say NO. You see the only BEHAVIOR and ACTIONS you can control are your own.
The danger of a spouse going “renegade” years down the road, for whatever reason, is very real in today’s day and age, where sex and affairs can be had anywhere by the click of a mouse and major purchases are as simple as handing over a check.

Here i sit 5 years post divorce typing this. I now have my self esteem back, a new career, no debt, a new home (in a nice part of town) and a wonderful man in my life. More importantly, my kids have adjusted well and attend wonderful schools in an upscale district. I got lucky. Things could have turned out much much worse for me and my boys. My faith in God and in myself and wanting better for my boys motivated me to bust my butt working crazy hours and crawl out of the hole we were in.
I warned my fiancée early on in our relationship that i will never have joint bank accounts or joint credit cards with anyone– ever again. I no longer believed it to be a an important factor of a happy marriage. In fact, if anything, it’s more of a detriment and a risk to financial security or each spouse.
Since he knows about my past circumstances- he was very understanding about it and his reply was simply “I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting a joint account!”
I have no problems assigning beneficiaries to my account and a Will–in the event of my death or incapacitation. But i WILL NEVER HAVE JOINT ACCOUNTS.